“I’ll never be able to change.” I hear those words all the time from clients. Maybe you’ve said (or thought) them yourself.
The reality is that people change all the time. We’re constantly changing, whether we know it or not. That’s because everything changes, and nothing is permanent. Emotions pass, our cells turnover, the seasons shift, the plants in your garden grow. To be alive is to be changing.
What I think is really happening when someone says “I’ll never be able to change” is that they feel stuck, in a rut. That, quite understandably, doesn’t feel good.
It’s a Catch-22: The belief that you can’t change can almost become a self-fulfilling prophecy that creates a real barrier to even trying to change. This belief also makes it more likely that you’ll give up if your initial attempts to change don’t “take.”
The truth is that changing habits often takes multiple tries, because “success” is not linear. It’s not a straight road from points A to B. It includes curves and switchbacks and sometimes getting off on the wrong exit and needing to double back. It includes the proverbial one step forward and two steps back.
For example, it’s estimated that fewer than 10% of people who try to quit smoking succeed on that attempt, and that it takes six to 11 attempts to successfully quit.
Acceptance vs. motivation
Two elements that help with making changes are acceptance* of yourself as you are right now, and a reason for change that’s aligned with your values — who you are and what you stand for.
For example, if your eating habits are causing you physical or psychological distress, and one of your values is compassion, then you’re not aligned with your values if you engage in behaviors that cause you unnecessary suffering. Placing your focus on treating yourself with compassion or kindness can help facilitate change.
*Note that acceptance doesn’t mean that you don’t mean to change. It means that you accept that right now, at this moment, you are someone who, like ALL humans, is messy and flawed (and that’s OK) AND that there are changes you could make in your habits and behaviors that would benefit you, and possibly others. Starting with acceptance can help avoid the trap of making changes out of shame or urgency. “I accept myself, and I want to change” is very different from “I am a horrible broken person and I need to change.”
I’ve had clients who have been waiting for years to try to make a specific change because they’re waiting for motivation to strike. Or, they’re waiting for the stars to align.
However, waiting for motivation to fully strike before taking action can backfire — because what if motivation never strikes? It’s more likely that taking action (in small, manageable steps) will LEAD to motivation.
It’s also important to point out that If you have limited internal resources to focus on health and self-care, you’ll be on a slower path towards change. That’s where accepting your current reality and practicing self-compassion can help.*
*Contrary to popular belief, channeling your inner drill sergeant will lead to short-term motivation at best. To tap into deeper wells of motivation, you need to couple taking action with identifying and exploring your values (more on this below).
The elephant in the room: ambivalence
Sometimes it seems so obvious that if we made X change our lives would be better. We would be happier, healthier, more confident, more financially secure…whatever.
But no matter how clear we are on the “prize” of changing a habit or behavior, we can carry a lot of ambivalence. We see benefit in changing…but also in not changing. We see costs (or risks) in sticking to the status quo, but also in making changes.
Part of that ambivalence can come from not believing you can change. The thought of trying only to fail can tip you towards staying safe with what’s familiar — even if what’s familiar isn’t working for you.
So if you find yourself stuck in the belief that you can’t change, here are two things to try:
One, draw a 4-square grid on a piece of paper. Label one square, “Pros of Change,” the second square “Cons of Change,” the third square “Pros of the Status Quo” and the fourth square “Cons of the Status Quo.” Then write the pros and cons you think of in the appropriate square. Let these four lists guide you.
Two, explore your values — the personal qualities you want to embody in your actions, the sort of person you want to be, the way you want to treat yourself and everyone/everything around you. In the related posts below, there’s one that can get you started — because engaging in behaviors and mindsets that are in opposition with your values is definitely a “Con of the Status Quo.”
Need more help making changes that support health and well-being? Click here to schedule a free 20-minute Discovery Call to talk about your concerns, and if you would benefit from nutrition therapy.
Related posts:
Disclaimer: All information provided here is of a general nature and is furnished only for educational purposes. This information is not to be taken as medical or other health advice pertaining to an individual’s specific health or medical condition. You agree that the use of this information is at your own risk.
Until next time,
