Do you find it hard to show yourself compassion? You're not alone. So many of my clients show SO MUCH compassion for other people (and animals), but offer some to themselves? Cue record scratch.
In the past few decades, numerous research studies have shown that self-compassion is important for not just mental and emotional health and well-being, but for physical health as well. Why? Because a healthy dose of self-compassion helps us form habits that support good health. So, no — you don’t need to channel your inner drill sergeant in order to eat your vegetables and get to the gym.
Whew! Now, here's why cultivating self-compassion can benefit you, even if it feels hard to get started.
What is self-compassion?
According to self-compassion researcher and Kristin Neff, author of a handful of books on self-compassion (see the resource list at the end) there are three elements to self-compassion:
- Mindfulness — being aware of negative thoughts, feelings and experiences without judging them or dwelling on them.
- Common humanity — recognizing that we are all imperfect, and we all suffer.
- Self-kindness — showing yourself care and understanding when you experience those all-too-human imperfections.
What’s the opposite of self-compassion? Emotional reactivity, isolation, self-judgment and unhealthy perfectionism, all of which have been linked to depression, stress and reduced quality of life.
The stress connection
A 2017 study found that people who have higher levels of self-compassion tend to handle stress better — they have less of a physical stress response when they are stuck in traffic, have an argument with their spouse, or don’t get that job offer — and they spend less time reactivating stressful events by dwelling on them.
Why is this important? Because not only does chronic stress directly harm health — the physical responses to stress include spikes in blood pressure and blood sugar along with suppression of the immune system — but if you react strongly to stress, you’re more likely to employ unhealthy short-term coping mechanisms like smoking or numbing your feelings with food or alcohol.
The study also found that self-compassionate people are more likely to adopt health-promoting behaviors and maintain them even if they don’t appear to be paying off in the short term. This may be especially important in the face of a health-related setback, like injury, illness or a disappointing lab result, because self-compassion takes the edge off negative emotions — fear, frustration, and disappointment — that might arise. This helps you continue to take good care of yourself instead of getting derailed.*
This perseverance is also important for anyone who has a history of chronic dieting, or finds themselves still entangled in “diet culture” (which idealizes thinness and equates it to health or virtue) or even “wellness culture” (which like it or not is just a rebranding of diet culture). If you tend to view food and physical activity as means to a thinner end, it’s easy to give up when you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see. Self-compassion can serve as an antidote.
*I want to point out that we can't self-compassion ourselves out of systemic problems such as lack of access to healthcare, clean water, safe neighborhoods, and other things that profoundly affect health.
Myths about self-compassion
Self-compassion often gets painted as selfish, lazy, or indulgent, but nothing could be further from the truth. For example, people who are caregivers — by nature or circumstance — often find it difficult to offer themselves the compassion they freely give to others. However, connection with the rest of humanity is a core component of self-compassion, so to fully give to others, you need to give to yourself.
Are you a perfectionist? You may fear that if you are too nice to yourself you’ll accomplish nothing. The truth is that when you make changes out of self-compassion, those changes are more sustainable than changes you make because you believe you're unacceptable the way you are. You’re also more likely to make daily choices that support long-term well-being, rather than indulging in short-term impulses. That may mean going for a walk instead of crashing on the couch, or putting down your fork when you’re satisfied, not stuffed.
Research shows that self-compassion can increase motivation to change, possibly because it allows us to objectively evaluate areas for improvement and make changes without the threat of self-criticism.
Let's say you have type 2 diabetes and your latest blood work shows that you your blood sugar hasn't improved as much as you hope. Self-compassion will help you use that information to make changes to support better blood sugar management going forward. Self-criticism can paralyze you, leaving you unable to change — and possibly ashamed to return to your doctor — leading to bigger health problems.
Or, let's say you have an eating disorder and have been making great progress with reducing eating disorder behaviors — restriction, binging and/or purging — but then you're unexpectedly triggered, and you take the proverbial two steps back. Self-compassion can help you remember that eating disorder recovery isn't a perfectly linear process...there will be setbacks. You talk to your therapist and dietitian about what happened and renew your intention for healing, possibly with some new tools and a fresh perspective for when you encounter triggering events in the future.
Cultivating self-compassion
Self-compassion should be easy, since we all want to be happy (at least I hope so). However, we also want to avoid danger. In the face of true danger, you go into fight, flight or freeze mode. But when the “danger” is the uncomfortable emotions that rise from your inevitable mistakes or failures (because, hello, you're all human), your response can be self-criticism, self-isolation and self-absorption, which gets in the way of doing the things that will make you happier and healthier in the long run. Self-compassion helps you view uncomfortable emotions as less of a threat.
So how do you start cultivating self-compassion? With mindfulness. Unless you pay attention, you may be unaware of the thoughts that play and replay in your head.
- Practice observing your thoughts — are they compassionate, or critical?
- Be curious and non-judgmental — criticizing yourself for being self-critical adds insult to injury.
- Remind yourself often that to err is human, and to forgive, divine.
- Show yourself kindness in ways that nurture mind, body and spirit. Take time to go for a walk, do some yoga, or prepare a nutritious meal. Incorporate activities that bring you joy, like reading a novel, puttering in the garden, or listening to favorite music.
- Strengthen connections with people important to you. Think love, not tough love.
Are you struggling with self-compassion? Is this getting in the way of important changes you want to make to improve your health and your relationship with food and body? Click here to schedule a free 20-minute Discovery Call to talk about your concerns, and if you would benefit from nutrition therapy.
More self-compassion resources + related posts
In addition to Kristen Neff's website and books "Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself," and "Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power and Thrive," I highly recommend Christopher Germer's "The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion," as well as "The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook," and "Mindful Self-Compassion for Burnout," which Kristen Neff and Christopher Germer co-authored.
And here are those related posts:
Disclaimer: All information provided here is of a general nature and is furnished only for educational purposes. This information is not to be taken as medical or other health advice pertaining to an individual’s specific health or medical condition. You agree that the use of this information is at your own risk.
Until next time,
